I'm a loving, passionate, Logical person. I say this, because they are not things often put together. Logic has no place with love. And neither does love have a place with logic. But these are key, defining attributes of myself, and my soul.
I know I have co-dependency issues. I don't like to think of it as an issue, but more of being able to love another wholly. To love unconditionally. To feel for them deeply.
I also have a tendency to be a white knight, happy to rescue my damsel in distress from any foul moods that harm her.
This combination of attributes, I feel, Make me a person who loves with their whole heart, and is happiest when making my significant other happy, and downright miserable when they aren't at 100%.
But what am I meant to do when making my significant other happier involves me suffering? It's something I never anticipated, nor thought possible. If I am making them happy, then I am worthy in their eyes. it strengthens our bonds, and makes our relationship stronger.
My significant other and I had been friends for the better part of 10 years before we started dating. and we were amazing together. We were there to lean on for each others hardships, and we've had plenty. Hey having a falling out with some 5 lifelong friends that involved the police, and myself, dealing with being kicked out of the home of an emotionally abusive, alcoholic mother.
We have been together, and been there for each other for 3 years, loving each other fully, and planning the rest of our lives together.
about a year ago she said she wanted to see other people.
Now, that's not a talk anyone wants to hear. Thoughts raced around in my head. Where did I go wrong, oh no not again, why have I failed. But she told me she doesn't want us to end. She's polyamorous. She has too much love for one person.
Now, I have know polyamorous people in the past, and have nothing against polyamory. I thought about what it would be like in a polyamorous relationship, and the things that it entailed. Well, I figured that if we were going into it together, had good communication, and set boundaries and agreements not to be crossed, Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea.
Now, her though of polyamory is not the same as others, nor is it a free pass to just go around sleeping with people. My significant others idea relationship was to have a significant other that I was going to get along with, that I was going to enjoy the company of, become friends with, and more. With that in mind, and myself being pretty much straight in sexual orientation(though i have absolutely no problem or issue with the LGBT community), I did not want to be involved with another man. and to be frank, some of my other co-dependency issues peeked out. I didn't want another man competing against me for her attentions.
I recognize this comes off as somewhat chauvinistic, sexist, and unfair. But my feelings are just that. How I feel. And how I feel matters, and is justified, no matter what the source. So I voiced these concerns with my SO(Significant other). She seemed to understand where my feelings were coming from, and while she didn't share them, she respected them.
We agreed that she will look only for other women, so that we can get to know them together, date them together, and love another at the same pace, together.
We had gone on a few dates with some women. some turned out okay, others not so much. The effort of finding someone for "Us" that we both liked, that liked us both, and wasn't dissuaded by our relationship was rare. and we never found someone that worked for all of us.
So, I figured to myself, how different would it be, if I was cool with her dating other girls, just her and the other woman. Yeah, the thought drove some jealousy, but overall, if home was a safe place, and they weren't goin to come into my home unless we're "sharing," then I figured it'd be okay.
So she dated other women, and had much better luck finding interested girls. it also opened the doors to strictly lesbian women that was interested in her. I even became friends with some of them, lending out my books, sharing a beer, and kicking back with them.
Then I thought to myself later, that I was being unfair to her. I was instituting what people in the community refer to as the "One Dick Policy." I was letting some of my own insecurities infringe upon her ability to find someone else that she'd enjoy the company of.
So I sat down with her, and had a talk. I explained how I felt, but that in opening up this way, I'm not sure how I'll feel about it. so, we needed to agree on some boundaries. Whenever she had sex with another man, she wore a condom. this wasn't just because I didn't want some dude knocking her up, but STD are also a concern here. Any man she sleeps with, without a condom, exposes me to everything she just exposed herself to. She seemed okay with this, and agreed.
I also mentioned that home is a safe place. I don't want her to bring any guys to our home. I've no issue with her going out, and seeing other men, and even sleeping with them. But home is a safe place, and they are not allowed. She agreed that this was reasonable too.
Lastly, I asked to at least meet these guys, at some point. Not to scare them off, but because I love my SO. When a man comes to date your daughter, you don't just let her go without talking to the guy, and I felt the same applied here. I needed to sum up who she was seeing, and make sure that to my estimation they weren't a serial killer. She agreed to this as well.
Now, we have some pretty good communication. when one does something or acts in a way that bothers the other, we are really good about talking to each other about it, working out why we feel a certain way, and what we can do to adjust and compromise to make each other happier. I feel it's a great relationship asset.
When I postulated how I felt, and what I would feel comfortable with, my SO agreed that they were all sound boundaries, and that she would adhere to them. She didn't feel at the time that any of these boundaries were unjust, or that I needed to compromise on a subject.
She met a guy, and they hit it off. they seemed very happy together, and I was glad to hear it. yes, there was a small part of me that was jealous, but I tried to keep it in check. This makes her happy.
There was a day, when she said that both we, and her new boyfriend were broke. they couldn't go anywhere to be together, and she wanted him to come over to our home. I was immediately taken aback. We had talked about boundaries. we talked about how I'd be comfortable with this lifestyle. she agreed to them, and now she wants to change them. But you know what, I trust here, and I love her, and I want to make her happy. So I say it's okay. He can come over, hang out with her, and spend time with her in my home. But there was to be no shenanigans in my home. I left that a bit vague on purpose. I didn't want them to have sex in my home, but more than that, I didn't want them expressing any sort of erotic tendencies with me there, or even without me there in my home. She said this was okay, and he started coming over, I started seeing him more, and I noticed something about him.
I didn't really like him.
Now, me being the logical person I am, tried to find out why. Am i projecting my own co-dependency issues? Am I being jealous that there's another person in my loved ones life?
No, that wasn't it at all. I just didn't like him as a person. You've encountered them. People you see at school, or work, or at social gatherings. People you don't hate for any reason, they are just not friend material for you.
So, I recognized then that we wouldn't be friends. but that's okay, because he's dating my SO, not me. I don't need to be his friend. That doesn't mean I won't be friendly to him, offer him drinks, or treat him like I would any other person in my home. And he makes my SO happy, so I won't drive him away either.
About 3 months into their relationship, we found out that my SO was pregnant. Now, we took precautions, but sometimes we had heat of the moment encounters. they were rare, but they happen. I was happy. I was scared. I was excited. My SO and I had put allot of thought into having children. We both wanted many, we thought out names for them, we discussed parenting strategies, and schooling techniques.
Then she told me it might not be mine.
I was livid. I had not many concerns when we open up our relationship. and the concerns i did have were addressed, and we had agreed on boundaries. SHE agreed on these boundaries. And then she disregarded them. She gave me a few excuses, like she was intoxicated at a party, it was the heat of the moment, she didn't know until it was too late. I wasn't hearing them.
I felt betrayed. This happy moment I was supposed to share with a loved one was ruined by this news. Then I thought of this other man. He also betrayed me. He could have worn a condom but he didn't he hurt me as much as my SO did. worse still, looking back on the moment, we discovered that it really could have been either one of ours. both sex acts were 3 days apart.
Now I had a choice to make. I cannot control others, nor can I change the past. I could only control myself, in the present. Do I stay with my SO despite this betrayal, or break things off?
I love her. Love is strong. I love with all my hear. And she was pregnant. I needed to protect her. and provide for her. I couldn't leave her, she needs me.
So, we stayed together, we talked more, and we kept dating. And she kept dating him.
Now you need to understand a little about him. He is unemployed, and live on a couch of a friends. he is in no shape to raise a child. and I wanted to be a father. Was this kid biologically mine? it could be. it might not be. But I would be his father. and I would be a damned good one too.
I started working more hours, spending less time with my SO, so that I could make enough money to help support us both, now that hormones and body changes made it difficult for her to work. At this point, of the 3 of us, I am the only one working, the only one providing insurance, and working overtime to support me and my SO.
Then, the people he was living with got evicted. And no one would provide him with a home. he could find a couch to sleep on for a week at most, and had been trying to find a more permanent solution.
Then my SO asked if he could sleep on our couch for a couple weeks.
This is the man I'm not friends with, but tried to be friendly with. the man without a job, and hasn't had one for a long time. the man who betrayed me, and slept with my SO in and unsafe manner, and likely took away the chance of us sharing our newborn child. I didn't like it.
But without us, he literally had no where to live. he would be sleeping in the streets.
So, I agreed, that he could stay at our place, but with stipulations. 2 weeks, and he goes, and I'm not the bad guy for kicking him out. and there is to be no sex in my home. She said that that's not much time, and what if he gets a job or something? I caved, and said that fine, he can stay for 3 weeks. but if he doesn't find a job, or another person to live with, he needs to leave. She agreed, and he moved in.
At this point, I started becoming depressed. I'm working 50-60 hours a week to provide for my pregnant SO, who may or may not be carrying my child, who is spending the time I am working, at our home, with her unemployed boyfriend, who I don't like, who betrayed me. and I just agreed that this could continue to 3 weeks. I was in hell.
During this time, My SO asked if he could live with us, permanently, when we purchase a home. this baby might be his, and he has a right to see and influence the child. I said I wasn't okay with that, and I was barely okay with him being here for 3 weeks. She pushed it, but I stood my ground. There's a great deal I will do to make my SO happy, but there is a point, at which I am giving too much, and putting myself down to the point that no matter how happy she is, my miserable-ness wouldn't outweigh it.
3 weeks came, and went, and at the end of it, this man didn't have a single interview. he said he turned in applications, he said he called managers, and spoke to them, but I don't know if he did or didn't. But I held up my end of the bargain. He did not, so I kicked him out.
He begged. He asked for one more week. I have a room mate, that I charge 400 a month, If i gave him one more week, how can I justify taking money from my room mate? and what happens if he gets a job in 1 week? he still wouldn't have a paycheck for 2-3 more weeks. he would be able to get his own place.
I have been paying for him to live in my home, eat my food, spend time with my SO, and use my AC and internet. and he did nothing for it, but drive me up a wall because of how i feel. And now, he's begging. and I'm going to turn into a bad guy if I stand my ground.
But I did stand my ground. I kicked him out, offered a ride to wherever he'd like, and that was that.
A week later, My SO was talking to him, on facebook. He found a couch to sleep on. the couch of a previous girlfriend. and she was raising his 10 month old child.
That blew me away. he has a child, who another person deemed he didn't need to know about, and now he may have done this to my SO. I became livid again, but I controlled myself. Let logic take over. biology isn't everything, my SO and I will raise our baby, it will be a wonderful one, and we'll be great parents.
He and her continued to talk. He still doesn't have a job, I'm working overtime more and more, and thing seem pretty okay. I'm still stressed, from the whole situation, and on top of that, I'm still working so much. I barely get to spend any time with my SO, and the time i do spend with her, she's either fawning at the computer messaging him, or she hormonal from the pregnancy, and doesn't want me touching her.
Then something happened. I accidentally saw a message they shared. My SO and I were sharing a cell, because she broke hers, and I truly and honestly stumbled upon the message, and was not snooping around for it. and as soon as my eyes started reading it, I stopped myself. but what I read was earth shattering.
"But if I were to leave him, where would I go?"
She's pregnant. On my insurance. Living in my home. I feed her food I pay for. I pay for her car, for her insurance, for her medical bills. And she wants to leave me? for some guy who is sleeping on the couch of another girl he knocked up, unemployed, and unable to take care of himself, let along my SO and the coming baby?
I got livid AGAIN. I have bent over backwards for her. I have compromised my values to make her happy, I have laxed my own boundaries to make her more happy, and she's considering leaving me, but doesn't want to, purely because I'm giving her a place to live?
I wanted to breaking things off. Right then, right there. But then I started thinking. Where WOULD she go if i kick her out? Her only friends or family would be her mothers. And her mother is a meth addict, without a job, inviting strange men into her home at all hours of the day and night. That Baby could be mine, and it doesn't deserve to be in that kind of position. She'd also be without food. and without medical insurance. It was a bleak image, and really stayed my judgement for a bit. I needed council.
I spoke to my sister. I spoke to my best friend of 12 years. I spoke to my elders, at least the ones I was comfortable enough with to tell them were were in an open relationship. They all told me the same thing.
I am sacrificing too much for her, and she is taking advantage of me. I need to think about myself first, and break things off.
Every single person that I spoke to, people I KNOW care for me, love me, and want whats best for me told me to do this. Even what little legal counsel I had told me that if the child is mine, a paternity test would prove it, and I can still be it's father.
Everyone wanted me to end things. These were diplomatic people, people who loved me, and people who knew me. People that knew her too. my best friend knew me as long as I've known her. we were a part of the same clique in high school. he loved her as a friend, and he recognized that the situation was bad for me, and I needed to take myself out of it.
My sister and legal counsel told me that she would get food stamps. she would qualify for WIC. she would get state funded health care. and she had a place to live, even if it was a shitty one.
But I thought about it. I didn't want to end things. As much as she's hurt me, I love her. And I want to fight for us.
I confronted her. I told her I saw the message I saw, and wanted it explained. and I was not prepared.
I was the one at fault. I have been too restrictive, I have hated her boyfriend from day one, I have forced her to abide by unfair rules, that limited her ability to love others, and she had to always wear a mask around me. in a perfect world, she said, she would move out.
She told me she still loved me though. Those words cut through the pain, and gave me hope. If she still loves me, we can work through this.
I reflect back, and I know this is a poor relationship. I recognize that my known examples of love are fucked up, and skewed. but she still loved me. and I loved her. With all my heart. And she needed me. I can still protect her, and rescue her from this terrible world.
But I can't bring myself to end things. I've scheduled counseling for us, to be able to talk things through. but this other man is still there. and at this point, he hates me, even though I've only ever been supportive, friendly, and even gave him a place to stay. in my home. but seeds of discontent have been planted, and he spews venomous words into the ear on my loved one. and she is having an internal struggle. Be with the man who loves him, unconditionally and provides for her, or the man who hates me, has no job, has another child somewhere else that he's an absent father to, and has no home, or desire to actually change things. Her actions show me she wants to stay with me. but her words and emotions show me she wants to be with him.
What am I supposed to do?
